The Mary Sue Eradicaton
by Sarastro the Queen o the Night
Summary: A short oneshot in which the Hogwarts girls kill every Mary Sue at Hogwarts in creative and painful ways. Rated for non graphic torture.


**A/N:** Welcome one and all! This is where I wrote out my anger at Mary Sues, and also incorperating my history geekiness, by putting them through mideavel torture! Yay!

Nothing's too graphic here, and I took out the _really_ nasty ones, and the nasty ones in there aren't described at all. But you can look them up if you want.

I'm not expecting much, so here you have it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

The Hogwarts girls filed in, all very surreptitiously. None of _them_ could know, nor could the boys. The only male who knew was Dumbledore, who had so graciously provided the room, and was going to preside over the meeting. The old man was in fact, eating sweets by the podium, ignoring the crying girls at this point.

The girls of Hogwarts didn't really have a problem with each other, houses were disregarded among them, because of the natural instinct for females to work together, whereas males sought to be more powerful. And so, you could see a Hufflepuff talking to a Gryffindor, or a Slytherin talking to a Ravenclaw totally calmly.

Eventually, when the last girl arrived, Dumbledore stood up to the podium and said, "Ladies, if you could please take your seats." The girls sat down in the hundreds of chairs, a few drying their tears-the latest victims. "Now, welcome to the first meeting of Mary Sue Victims Anonymous. Not very anonymous though is it? But the point is this. Here, I make sure you don't go too overboard with your plans to kill the Mary Sues, and you do the rest.

"But first, a little presentation on the horrors of the Mary Sues by Hermione Granger."

The girls all applauded politely as Hermione went up to the podium.

"Thank you Professor Dumbledore." The old man then lowered the lights with his awesome mind powers, and started the rudimentary projector. On the wall was a slide that said "Mary Sues: What are They?" "Now, we all know that a mass breakout of 'transfer students' have came, all girls, and all drop dead gorgeous and perfect. Next slide please. Now here I have prepared a pie graph of the Mary Sue, perfection and imperfection. As you can see, the only imperfection they have is a bit of clumsiness or shyness." A few girls burst into more tears at this. "As we can see, this lowers the chances of us defeating them immensely. The list of perfection goes on from what I have put here. Beauty, kindness, grace, totally brainy, and of course, the most talented at magic. Next slide." Dumbledore was enjoying using the projector. "Here, I have prepared a line graph on the sanity levels of the school. As you can see, it starts out just fine, and once _they_ appeared, shot downwards at a very steady pace. Next slide. A very similar graph, but in this case, loyalty of boyfriends. I had to ask around for this one, but here you have it."

The presentation went on, and everyone learned everything about the horrors inflicted upon them.

Once it was done, Dumbledore went back to the podium. "Thank you, Hermione," he said. "Now, the floor is open."

"I move we destroy them all!" cried one Hufflepuff, who was still being comforted by another. When provoked, badgers can kill, you know.

"I second the motion!" called a Slytherin third year.

"Well, all those opposed?" not one hand rose. "Very well, movement passed."

"I propose we use their slight clumsiness against them," said a Ravenclaw sixth year, one with pimples and frizzy hair. "I feel so insecure…"

"Don't we all?" asked the Gryffindor beside her.

"Alright, but how do we use their clumsiness against them?" asked a Slytherin seventh year.

The Ravenclaw girl then went on to describe how, and then a muggle born Hufflepuff third year went on about ways to kill them.

"We could Blood Eagle them, that's always fun," she said. "But Flailing and Nailing is just as. Oh, perhaps we could Rat Torture them. Or better yet! The Iron Maiden!" All the girls moved away cautiously. "What? They're ways to destroy the Sues. Besides, they're painful and last a long time."

"Oh, well, that's completely different!" said Gryffindor sarcastically. "But perhaps…"

* * *

And so it went. Once a week, the Mary Sue Victims Anonymous slowly morphed into the Mary Sue Executioners.

Using the history geek Hufflepuff's ideas, they created torture device after torture device. The box for Rat Poison, the Guillotine with a dull blade, the Iron Maiden, the Rope with a hook, the knife and the needles and thread, thumbscrews were set out, and Filch happily partook. Turcas were created, bootikens were set out nicely, made to look like designer boots, they stole bottles upon bottles of liquor, the "coffin" for Coffin Torture was hung from the ceiling, the Brazen Bull was set to the side, Dumbledore ate his sweets, the Tube was hung over a chair (tested only for a few seconds), the Judas chair was set aside and turned away since no one wanted to look at it.

They thought about a few more, then realized, they would have to watch the Mary Sue's eyes fall out, they'd have to put it _somewhere, _it would be far too messy, or just plain wrong. The Copper Boot was nearly rejected, then they remembered they looked like Uggs, and used it, putting it next to the bootikens.

"I'm scared," said one Slytherin first year.

"We all are," said the Hufflepuff who had suggested it.

They all then sat down as a Ravenclaw briefed them on how to get the Mary Sues, but not their boyfriends, brothers, cousins, and friends.

* * *

The Mary Sues were delighted with the weekly disappearances of the imperfect females. They didn't have to put up with people who actually had _flaws_, just mindless boys, and each other. But being perfect, you didn't mind other perfect people.

Of course, being perfect, you assume the best, because everyone loves you.

This was the fatal mistake.

* * *

The boys were wandering around the castle and grounds, calling for their perfect sweethearts, and the teachers were taking bets on which form of torture would be most used, standing in the back of the torture chamber.

"Come on, I have ten galleons of the Brazen Bull!" said Madame Hooch.

"I'm fine with that, I have ten on the Copper Boot!" said Professor Snape.

Perfect little screams echoed about as they were subject to Viking and Spanish Inquisition Torture. Blood Eagling was the most messy, but it was also sort of fun. Flailing and Nailing had given the walls seven sewn up empty skins though.

The girls were shamelessly boiling the feet of the girls in the Copper Boots, the bootikens crushed their feet, and they took insane pleasure in using the Turcas to remove fingernails.

One girl was tied down, and her perfect hair was set aflame, and made watch as they burned all her miniskirts.

Only one girl was sent to the Guillotine, because she was the most bearable, and therefore deserved a quicker death.

After a while, the teachers forgot their bets, and joined the fun. Snape sent his fan girls to the Judas Chair and the Water Tube, McGonagall Blood Eagled, and all the rest found other ways. Madame Pomfrey for instance preferred Rat Torture, cheering on the rodents as they burrowed into the stomach linings of the horrible creatures.

* * *

It was a long and laborious process, but it was totally worth it. After two days, they were eradicated, and the torture chamber was cleaned up, and locked, only to unlock when a Mary Sue arrived.

Leaving the room, covered in blood, they were all happy, laughing and talking to each other, but the boys outside were distraught, they couldn't find their girlfriends anywhere.

"They're dead!" was what the girls shouted. Somehow, the scent of Mary Sue blood awakened the boys, and their otherwise eternal stupor was reversed. Madame Pomfrey checked them over, just in case, and finding them healthy, a trip to Hogsmeade was arranged. It was a happy time indeed.

* * *

But while at Hogsmeade, a lone beautiful girl entered, calling "Hello?" and the door to the Chamber was opened again.

* * *

**A/N**: Well folks, there you have it! The ending is true though, no matter how hard we try, someone will always create another Mary Sue.

So, do what you feel is nessecary at this point. I will see you later.


End file.
